Mario’s search and rescue of Princess Peach, formerly Princess Toadstool before she entered the Mushroom Kingdom’s witness protection that didn’t work, has been going on for multiple decades. It’s literally the same story with a few changes here and there. Bowser kidnaps her and then Mario, and sometimes his brother Luigi, travel the world to save her. There has been some change in the plot depending on the game but it’s all the same. Here’s a simpler version: Bitch gets herself kidnapped, Mario risks his live(s) and saves her. So here’s just some questions that I have that I think deserved answers if Nintendo wants me to continue to invest my money and time into the trial and tribulations of what I’m calling the prequel to the “Taken” franchise:
- WTF does Bowser want Peach for? Bowser is a huge ass lizard. There’s such an easier way than capturing the stupid princess, especially after having Mario come after him and defeat him everytime. Why does he even want her? She’s just a figurehead with no power. She’s hardly ever there with the amount of times she’s kidnapped to have any power in the area or to know her kingdom well. I know Nintendo isn’t saying Bestiality is the reason because I’m sorry but Browser could do better. And if there’s a Bowser Jr., where’s Mrs. Bowser in all of this? Is she dead or is Bowser just a playa? Speaking of children, why doesn’t he “claim” the Koopalings as his children anymore? Is that why Mrs. Bowser isn’t with him anymore?
- How dumb is the Peach? If she’s under the new name of Peach with Witness Protection (I’m not going to ask why they didn’t keep her appearance as Princess Daisy-yes,they are the same person), why does the bitch keep getting captured? How come she doesn’t have like some sort of security around her at all time? Where’s the Mushroom Kingdom’s version of the Secret Service to save her? You can’t expect Toad to protect her, he’s as scary as newborn kitten. He’s also like a foot tall. Get the bitch actually protect. How is she still a princess anyways?
- Why don’t they have an army? While an army of foot tall mushroom people wouldn’t terrify anyone, is the Mushroom Kingdom that dense not to have an army to protect the woman that keeps getting kidnapped? I mean, it would be hard to stop someone who apparently has a key and a designated parking spot at the castle. But still, an army might have at least made a slight impact on Bowser’s plan. He might have to kick the little bastards instead of just breezing on through.
- Why does Mario keep saving her? I don’t understand why he just keeps saving Peach. It might have to do with the fact that she’s apparently the only human female in the Mushroom Kingdom. I understand it might be true love, which he too can do better. Peach is obviously careless and doesn’t give a crap about his wellbeing since she constantly keeps dragging him in to fight Bowser. I’m sorry but no woman is worth that, especially when it involves a huge ass lizard throwing things at you in a floating clown head.
- Why does Luigi want to save her? I totally understand helping a brother out but why would you be stupid enough to help your brother rescue his girl if you’re not getting anything out it. Is he in love with Peach? Is this a love triangle/square? Luigi can’t do better than Peach if that is true. He’s a loser who jumps weird. Or is he secretly trying to take down Peach as revenge from her days as Princess Daisy? Daisy was playing games with his heart. I need to know how and why Luigi is wanting to help Peach because it doesn’t make sense, especially with how much danger and how often Peach is kidnapped.
- Why does Peach fight in Smash Bros. but not when she’s getting kidnapped? Is Bowser kidnapping her some sort of fetish for her? Does she get off on it? It doesn’t make sense why she would fight meaningless battles in Smash Bros. but yet she not even capable of saving her own ass when Bowser kidnaps her, who she does fight in Smash Bros. And don’t give me that “alternative universe” bull crap, it’s the same character regardless of universe. Besides, if it was “alternative universe,” wouldn’t you think that she would learn how to fight after the first four times? I’m telling you, she’s totally into getting kidnap. Princess in the mushroom streets, but a freak in the sheets.
- Why does Mario and Luigi not gotten help for their addiction to Mushrooms? Mario and Luigi have a problem and they need to get help for it. Pretty much, they are in a situation that Toad, Peach, and all their friends are enabling their addiction to Mushrooms. Sure, they are helpful and gives them a high that makes them feel larger than what they are and more powerful but they are addictive. Once they lose their high, they want more. Their addiction to Mushrooms is so bad that they even think they can fly, shoot fireballs, and be invincible for a short period of time. We need to get Dr. Phil or Dr. Drew over there to help them break their addiction.
- Where’s the other humans at? There has to be more than just three humans in the entire kingdom. They didn’t just pop out of thin air. You can say that a stork brought them, but I have a feeling that Toad and his people would be horrible parents. There also is some sort of royal hierarchy there since people aren’t just made into Princesses. Let’s be real: There’s no way that Toad and his people would be able to create a kingdom. They would need extremely tall ladders. So did Bowser kill all the other humans or did he turn them into mushroom people things?
- What are up with Toad and his people? What are they called and what’s really the big mushroom on their head? And how come they all look-alike? Is there a certain way to tell the difference between them? Seriously, what’s his/their deal? And how do they reproduce if they all look-alike and you can’t tell the difference? Don’t act like you didn’t want to know the answer to that question as well.
Nintendo, if you can answer these questions then maybe I can resume investing into this Franchise. Maybe, you can have Bowser kidnap Mario and Princess Peach can save him #loveislove.
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