Fashion Police: Fall fashion crimes

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You have the right to remain, stylish

Fall is literally around the corner, and it’s time for me to put on my fashion blogger hat. We’re going to talk about the things not to wear this fall. I want to save you the pain and suffering of having people look at you like someone who just woke up in a new decade after being cryogenically frozen for decades.

So here is some fashion don’t to do this fall. You’re welcome:

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Think about how cold Ariana’s shoulders are

Oversized jackets

Fall will be colder, and you will be forced to start wearing more layers when heading outside. Most people will start wearing a coat or a jacket. Please make sure that the jacket fits you. The point of wearing a coat is to keep you warm. A large jacket lets too much airflow in and defeats its purpose, besides the fact that you will look ridiculous in it. You pretty much look like a jackass. There are only a few people who look cool wearing one, and that comes at a price.

While Ariana Grande does look cool with her substantially large jacket, which may or may not house a four-four family, her shoulders are probably extremely cold. Also, it really makes wearing a jacket more of an effort than it should be. I would assume that it’s like wearing large pants without a belt. You spent more time holding them up than actually wearing them. Just save yourself the trouble and wear something stylish, and that will fit you. If you are caught wearing an oversize jacket, it’s a $1000 fine and up to 10 years in prison.

Extremely long and baggy sweaters

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You cannot tell me that she doesn’t look silly in that sweater

This goes into oversized jackets, but it’s SO bad that it deserves its own category. If the sweater/hoody/shirt hangs down to your knees, then you should go return it because you aren’t cool. You just look like an idiot. If the shirt looks like a dress, then go put on a freaking dress. You will look better, to begin with, because dresses are fancy af.

If you are unable to return that tent that you call a sweater, you can use it as a wrap, a shaw, and as a something for your cats to sleep in. Attach balls to the sleeves, and your cats will also have a new toy. Hell, you could probably use that as a blanket for yourself. I’d even keep it in your car if you need something to stay warm with or something to place on your seat if the snow gets on it during the harsh winter months. I’m pretty sure this makes me the Martha Stewart of fashion – minus the weed, jail time, and knowing Snoop Dogg. I’d be lucky to know Will Smith. Snoop Dogg is way too cool for me to know or be friends with. Wearing a sweater that goes down to your knees will get you 10-15 in prison with 500 hours of community service.

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There’s no reason to wear high heels with leggings

Leggings as pants

This one is a pet peeve of mine. It totally fine for wearing leggings as pants when you are lounging around the house but for heaven’s sake, PLEASE STOP FUCKING WEARING THEM ALL THE TIME. You might as well just go out in public in your underwear because that’s pretty much all that you are wearing. I had a girl give a presentation one time wearing a short shirt and leggings, and every time she would reach up to a point at something, I could see her ovaries. If I wanted to see that, then I would have asked. I didn’t want to get an anatomy lesson during my psychology class.

If you are working out, then they are also acceptable, but they aren’t supposed to replace your actual pants. They are really supposed to go underneath a dress or a skirt. Hell, you could wear a pair underneath your jeans. Oh, and wearing high heels with leggings is like wearing shorts with a winter jacket. It’s counterproductive. If you are wearing them to be comfortable, then wearing high heels totally makes your argument for them irrelevant like Nickelback has been for the last 22 years. Being caught wearing leggings in public as a form of pants will get you 50 years in prison with an additional 50 years if you are also seen wearing heels with leggings.

Man Buns

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This picture alone is a reason not to have a man bun

I don’t know about you, but man buns are something that I can’t pull off. Hell, 80% of the men that have man buns can’t even pull them off. If you have a man bun, please release the bun and just wear it down, cut it off, or wear it in a ponytail. Wearing a man ban just makes you look ridiculous if you are unable to pull it off. I’m not even going to explain how to pull it off because frankly, it’s a lost art. It’s like trying to tell someone how to breathe correctly. Yeah, there are different ways, but there’s no one right way.

If you grew your hair out for the sake of getting a man bun, just cut it off now and save time. Donate that hair and move on because you are probably at 80% who cannot pull it off. If you are caught with a man bun and cannot pull it off, you will have to clean gutters for 10,000 hours of community service. You also get a participation award for trying it.

Scarves

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Why wear a scarf with a cutoff?

This one is just like having a man bun, but rather from a common-sense standpoint. It’s fucking too early to be busting out of the scarves. Whether you’re a male or a female, it’s only dropping to less than hot temperatures, not like its arctic tundra. You really shouldn’t be busting out the scarves until November, if that. If you want winter to come that soon, then you should move to Alaska.
Please don’t wear a scarf that can complete wrap around your entire body or cover all of your head. You look ridiculous and deserve to be shunned…and possibly get stones thrown at you. You need one to cover your ears, nose, and mouth. Get a hat, not a ski mask, if you want to protect your head. Please wear appropriate clothing when you bust out the scarf. You can’t rock the scarf while wearing shorts or a tank top. It’s rather idiotic. Being caught wearing a scarf wrong will get you 15 to life in prison.
I hope this helps you a little bit with figuring out what not to wearing during the fall. If you have any fashion that I missed, feel free to drop me a line.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more fashion advice. 

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