Top 5ive: Food that is sexier than Blake Shelton


People Magazine, we aren’t that thirsty

As the world is aware, Blake Shelton was named the sexiest man alive by the fake news that is People Magazine. I’m pretty sure the Russians are involved with that because this is a fucking travesty. I’m not saying that Blake Shelton isn’t sexy. I just have other names that come up in my thirsty mind and Blake Shelton is at the bottom of the list. Way at the bottom. Like the person that you would call if you were shitfaced and desperate because you have no other options and then instantly regret it all when sobriety slapped you in the face the next morning. Like how thirsty does People Magazine think we are? It’s not like we are suffering from a drought. Blake Shelton as the Sexiest Man Alive is why we can’t have nice things. If Gwen Stefani is the Sexiest Women Alive, there’s something going on.

Because of this horrible events, I’ve decided to fix the world by coming up with the Top 5ive foods that are sexier than Blake Shelton. You’re pretty much going to be flooded with food porn and my horrible attempt at describing food. You’re welcome.

5. Cheesecake

Like it’s so fucking good. There aren’t any words that can properly describe the goodness that Cheesecake. It’s soft to chew and oh so good. Because there aren’t any words to describe cheesecake, enjoy this picture of it in all its glory from Martha Stewart. She’s my cheesecake spirit animal:


4. Ice Cream

chocolateshoppeicecreamstickybunThis one is good for you as well as motherfucking delicious. Let’s also talk about how sexy a perfectly good cone or sundae looks. You could never make it yourself but as soon as you go to like Dairy Queen or someplace like that, it’s perfect. There’s also so many different flavors and styles of it that you could never hate it. Also, milkshakes are also delicious. Banana Splits are something that Hilary Duff sang about in the Lizzie McGuire Movie. Pretty much, Ice Cream is everything that you didn’t know you wanted in life. I will forever be in love with the milky cold goodness that is Ice Cream.

3. Chicken

chicken_dinner-5882I apologize for those that don’t eat meat because you don’t know what you are missing. It just so delicious and it comes in so many forms. Chicken nuggets, Chicken tenders, Chicken Patties. I could go on and on. Chicken also goes with everything. So many meals that you could use with Chicken and not enough time to enjoy them all. sigh. Chicken meals are like Pokemon, you want to catch them all. I will be very upset the day that Chicken are no longer able to be enjoyed. I also hope that we find something similar to it.

2. Pizza

pizza-saucisse-piquante-2301C’mon now, Pizza is literally the greatest pie known to man and some dogs. Pizza is an easy food to get and it’s worth the pain when it falls onto your clothing and essentially ruining your outfit. Whoever thought of making Pizza needs to be given a nobel prize because they are amazing. From the melted cheese on it to the fact that there is stuff crush Pizza in the world, which is the best kind of crust, Pizza is the relationship that everyone needs in their life. Pizza is also the answer to all/most problems. The only time Pizza is not the answer is if you are dying. Even then, enjoy yourself a slice before you have an eternity of it.

1. Taco Bell

taco-bell-costLet’s be real for a moment. Everyone loves them so Taco Bell. It’s that food that you don’t want to admit you love because it’s such a magical and wonderful menu that has a mix of everything. There are even Taco Bell’s that also serve KFC menu items. If you haven’t been to a Taco Bell like that then need to find one and change your life. It’s amazing to get a chicken breast and a cheesy gordita crunch. If they were to mix those two together, I would be shook for life if they were to mix it. Excuse me while I go order some Taco Bell.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more sassy comments. 

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