Dem Abs: Breaking down KJ Apa’s GQ Photoshoot


Be Prepared to get your thirst quenched

Because I’m a hardcore journalist, I decided that we needed to break down some of the photos that appeared in GQ Australia’s Men of the Year shoot. For those that don’t know, GQ is a Magazine for men fashion, style, and culture, which is apparently something someone made happen. I’m pretty sure that GQ is really just for homosexual men and some women because I don’t know what straight man who wants to look at a half-naked man posing in his underwear. That’s pretty much the majority of the GQ pictorial I have seen. If there are straight men that like to do that, I’m not going to judge you. Keep doing you.

I’m now extremely mad at “Riverdale” at the moment due to the lack of screen that dem abs have been getting lately. You could say that “Riverdale” and I are in a blood feud. I’m sorry but dem abs are very important to the cast and the overall story of “Rivderdale.” What else is going to give comfort to people when everyone is dying? It’s certainly not Cheryl Blossom because she’s been just in the background. Anyways, New Zealand heart-throb KJ Apa, who is Archie, was announced as Breakthrough Actor of the Year at some GQ award show in Australia.

I’m glad to see Australia put their bitter rivalry on hold with New Zealand to give KJ and dem abs proper recognition both deserve. Because of this award, he got a little photo shoot. In his honour, let’s break down some of these photos because frankly some of these are just too extra and I have a lot of questions and concerns. Oh, all these pictures are by GQ Australia while the comments are 100% mine.

Are you ready for it?

1166719-1_lpOkay, Let’s start with the first picture because I frankly don’t know anyone that would be doing this. Where do I start because I just have so many questions about what’s going on. I get that KJ is tanning but why would one tan with your name spelled out in pennies on your well-defined chest? Does he want to have his initials tanned on him as a fashion statement like Karen from “Mean Girls?” While I appreciate the fact that dem abs aren’t being harmed in the taking of this photo, I don’t get the meaning there. Also, why would one lay just lay on bricks and pennies randomly?

That has to be insanely uncomfortable in both LA and Australia. It’s fucking hot as balls at times during the day in both places. Bricks get very hot when the sun is on them as well as pennies. And that’s also a very wasteful use of pennies. You might as well just used dollar bills and had them strategically placed on him. That would have made more sense than just using pennies. Just saying.

1166721-1_lpNow the next picture is one that has me a bit concern. So KJ is in his underwear in front of what one would consider a serial killer wall. While I get that Archie is overly concerned about finding the black hood when he’s not having inappropriately timed sex with Veronica, that is a fucked up television show. This is a fucked up picture in real life. I’m also concerned that he has a picture of little Cindy Brady over his shoulder. Is this suppose to have some dark meaning behind or is KJ’s underwear suppose to make everything better? Also, why is randomly playing with a monster on his finger?

I guess it’s better than him playing with a monster on something else. I do like the special nod to Ohio State with his outfit. It’s a scarlet shirt and if you look really close at his crotch, you can see his underwear says Ohio State on it. Feel free to zoom in if you can’t see it. It’s there. Besides, this picture would make more sense if he was tired up or chained in front of the serial killer wall with some well-placed rips in his clothing. You’re picturing it now and you know I’m right.

1166731-1_lpNow we are going to move into the shower for the third photo of KJ’s photo shoot because nothing says intimate photo shoot than something in shower pictures. One of the problems with this picture is that he’s wearing too many pieces of clothing for being in the shower. Have you ever got a pair of jeans soaked? They are fucking uncomfortable and stiff. No one would be wearing them if they had to, let alone reading a fucking book in it. That’s another problem: who the fuck reads a book and wears glasses in the shower?

Sure, KJ looks extremely good in the photo, but wouldn’t it be hard to flip the pages in the book if they were wet? And yes, I know that he is trying to “seduce” you with this picture, which is he, but at least try to make something that would actually happen. It would also be extremely hard to read a book with glasses that are constantly getting wet. It would make more sense if he was in the shower with the book strategically place. But KJ is still seducing you to come into the shower with him. Do you see why I say GQ isn’t geared toward straight men?


Time for the last picture and this one is a doozy. Either New Zealand has different rules or KJ’s mother never taught him to play ball in the house. So KJ is catching a basketball in his underwear, the wrong kind of jersey, and tube socks. While that look is rather sexy and I get that look sexy isn’t usually practical, who the fuck would play basketball in the house? Let alone in their underwear?

I hope he is wearing a protective cup because one wrong dribble and it’s a big orange ball to his manhood. Maybe the point of the picture to get people worked up by the thought of nursing him back to health after the basketball bounces up and hits him in the balls with force. Some people are into that. If you are, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Here’s the link to the rest of KJ Apa’s photo shoot. Sadly, it won’t have my wonderful commentary on it. I’m also rather pissed that there isn’t a Riverdale letterman’s jacket picture or anything with an A on it. There was a lot of missed opportunities with this GQ Australia photo shoot.

I feel like GQ America would have made thirst be more real. It will still make you thirsty af though. Don’t worry, there’s a lot of people who are thirsty after looking at those pictures. You won’t be alone.

Leave your thirsty thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more sass and thirsty tweets.

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