A letter to Santa Claus


Santa, can you hear me?

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well as you prepare to break into countless homes around the world in order to give the children you find worthy gifts. Joking about you breaking into homes…sort of. If you want to read more about here my article where I pretty much call you creepy. Anyways, I writing you this letter last minute because I have some people I would like you to give some gifts. And because you are a very “busy man,” let’s be real: you enslaved vertically challenged people to do your bidding, I broke it down in a sort of bullet points. They are after this gif of Kim Kardashian West pretending that she can read.

My friend Bailey Miller: queen of Bows, Jelly, and being extra af

You might remember her. Here’s her twitter because she wants that free promo for nothing. smh. She wanted me to ask you for Nick Jonas under her Christmas tree but I told her that you only give out new toys and not old ones. So please get her a new mantoy to obsessive over. No one should get hammy downs for Christmas. I recommend KJ Apa because he has “dem abs,” a sugar daddy, or even one of those Disney stars that aren’t a 50 year playing a teenager. You might want to get her something to keep her alive because she’s always saying that “she’s dead.” If she is dead when you get there, I will find a good home for KJ. Oh, she’s also very jelly that Jojo’s bow game. Please make it okay for someone in their mid 20s to wear bows. But take that ability away once her bows become they engulf her head.

Jojo Siwa

She’s literally everywhere this year and I just have two simple requests for her. Please get her something that will make less like she’s sharing Honey Boo Boo’s gogo juices. Also, please take her to a good doctor for her neck. Her bows are the size of her head, that really can’t be good for the neck in the long run, especially when she’s shaking it all around. Honestly, if you can get her a lot of small bows, the world would thank you as well as her parents in the future because those medical bills will break their bank.

President Trump

I know asking for a refund on this one is asking for too much, so can you please just take away his Twitter, his ego, his ability to talk, and his ability to be seen on TV? Also, please get him a membership to hair club to men. That hair is something no one should have to see or live with.

People of the United States

This one is a biggy. Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude.

The Kardashian/Jenner Family

What do you get the family that literally has everything? Please get them more important things to do than just being on a reality show. I’m kind of over them to a certain degree. I still will celebrate anniversary’s by Kardashian’s rather than gems, because Kardashian’s are forever. I just would like one year where I don’t have to hear about who they are getting “jolly” with. Also, please get them more clothes. Every year, it seems like their clothes are shrinking or they are just losing them. Oh, please give Scott Disick more screen time because he’s the best thing about the show.

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”


Steven Kaufman

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