Another letter to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Hello there! It’s me again. I hope this letter finds you well. I’m very glad to see that you still aren’t in jail. Don’t worry, karma ends up catching up to you eventually. Again, I’m joking slightly. I’m writing you this letter again because I need you to give some gifts out for me. I’m broke af, I cannot afford to get some of these gifts. Not to mention that some of these gifts are impossible for me to get. Just be happy that I’m getting you this letter before Christmas. Anyways here’s my list. 

Kim Kardashian has been working on the same letter since last year 


Bailey Miller: Queen of Jelly, Bows, and city treasure

You failed me last year, Santa. I asked you to get my friend, click here to follow her on Twitter, Nick Jonas and you gave him to the wrong girl. Now he’s off and married unaware that he’s missing out a lifetime of free jam and jelly. Sure, I might have asked you to get her a new man but you still should have made her dreams come true with Nick Jonas. That what you are about. Making dreams come true? I’m also still waiting to find KJ Apa a good home but that’s something we can discuss another time.

This year, please get Bailey a man since you took Nick Jonas off the market. I’m serious too! You need to make it up for her. I recommend a CW star because they are all super attractive. Charles Melton, Reggie from “Riverdale,” would be a good fit for her. Cole Sprouse but one of his characters dated a Bailey and that would be awkward. In college, she liked to watch frat boys and patiently wait for them to ask her to the sock hop and to get a soda pop. That gives you an idea of who to have your vertically challenged slaves kidnap and put a bow on. Oh, and she would also like Demi Lovato to release more music. I would also like her to do go to Lindsay Lohan’s beach club so she can truly go on a Lohan holiday. 

Donald Trump

…..I’m still waiting for the refund….

Victoria Justice

While I may in the past have made comments on about Vicky J, I think WE ALL need to be a little nicer on the girl who may or may not bullied Ariana Grande and ended the gem “VICTORiOUS.” Without her, we wouldn’t have Ariana Grande’s rise to be a pop star. For that, I decided that she doesn’t coal this year. Please give Victoria Justice a career again. It doesn’t have to be anything too long or good, just something that will tie her over. I wouldn’t mind if that would be a “VICTORiOUS” reunion movie. I think WE ALL would agree that it would be great. Santa, let’s make Vicky J great again!

People of the United States

Like last year, Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self-centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude. 

Jake Paul

While I might have suggested that he and his brother, Logan, might have sold their soul to the devil, I think he deserves a little Christmas joy this year. I would like Jake Paul to have some actually true friends. While he has friends, I would like him to have some that will be good influences on him. What I got from Shane Dawson’s docuseries is that he needs those in his life. He has a good head on his shoulders but he need the right people in his life to make smart decisions. 

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”


Steven Kaufman

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