It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The holiday season is upon us and now it’s time for my favorite thing: making Oprah Winfrey cry in her stately manor with Gayle wiping away her tears with $100 bills. IT’S THE POP PROJECT FAAVVVORRRITTEE THIIINNGGGSSS!!! Like every year, please read that in your best Oprah voice. I know that you’ve been waiting all year for this and frankly, it’s well deserved.
I’m coming for you Oprah!
So without further ado, let’s dive into what exactly my favorite things are. Like last year, I’m a broke-ass bitch, so I am unable to give these out for free. There would be a master list but I’m that broke of a bitch and I lost that ability. We know who is responsible for that. But I’m not too broke to give you the most excellent list of 2019. If I was Oprah Gail Winfrey, yes that is her real middle name, I’d grab a box of tissues and Gayle now. She’s going to be 100% shook by my list.
I don’t know about you but I’m living for the number of sex bops that we have gotten in 2019. I wish I could name some of them but there were too many to keep track of. If you have been living under a rock, a sex bop is a good song that makes you want to dance and also screw someone. Pretty much, it’s a song that’s going to make you want to grind your genitals up against someone else in the club. Or experience a sexual awakening. Whichever comes first. Pun intended. This year has been the year for sex in music and going “fuck yes!.” We all love a good sex bop. Everyone will be receiving a copy of the Top 10 sex bops of 2019. You’re welcome for all the sexy times you will be having.
Cast of Riverdale
They were originally on the list of my favorite things back in 2017 and frankly, they have been aging like fine wine. I’m still obsessed with “Riverdale.” Sure, I truly have no clue what’s going on 98% of the time, but it’s a quality show with a bunch of hot people on it. The “teens” are hot, the parents are hot, even the pets are hot. What is in the water beside drugs? Whatever it is, it made everyone super hot and I want some of that.
Cheryl Blossom is still the queen of the town and the real star of the show. Dem Abs have seemed to take a backseat to ongoing stupidity that is Archie Andrews. His GQ photoshoot is still what dreams are made of though. They are all the bee’s knees.
Everyone will be going home with a copy of Cheryl Blossom’s cookbook called “A hint of Maple Syrup and Destruction: how to proper ruin people lives,” a guide on how to make homemade Jingle Jangle, membership to the Josie and the Pussycat’s vinyl record club, and your own Betty Cooper ponytail. I’ll even throw in the scene where Toni Topaz and Cheryl Blossom screw. It will change your life.
This was the year of Charles Melton. He’s so nice, he’s on the list twice. His big break, besides The Dale, was in the movie “The Sun Is Also a Star.” I’ve lovingly called the film “The Sun Is Also a Star that is Born.” But he’s been on all of our radars since he took over the role of Reginald Mantle in 2017. He has moved past the label of Reggie 2 and is now the reason everyone watches “Riverdale.” Besides Cheryl Blossom. He’s just too good looking not to stare at.
Words cannot describe the attractiveness of Charles. He’s like a cute puppy with abs. He just so good to look at; you can’t help but smile. He’s was in the video for Ariana Grande’s “Break up with Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored.” Yes, that was the actual title of the song, and it’s a mood. He was hot in that too and he wasn’t even the focus. Again, 2019 was the year of Melton. I AM HERE FOR ALL THINGS MELTON. Oh, he’s also single now too if you were looking to slide into his Instagram DMs.
Everyone will be leaving with a copy of Charles’ modeling pictures bound and sprayed with cologne with love letters he wrote. I’ll even get you an extra copy just in case you want to share Charles Michael Melton with the world. Or if you want an additional copy for yourself. You will probably keep it for yourself.
Jeffree Star and Shane Dawson
Just in case you have been living under a rock for the last couple of months, YouTubers Shawn Dawson and Jeffree Star shook the world. They released their newest series, “The Beautiful World of Jeffree Star.” It gave the world an insider look at how makeup was made. It also debuted Shane Dawson’s makeup line and documented how he became better at makeup than you will ever be. Sure, some wish it didn’t tease us with the drama that happened in the beauty community, aka BeauTubers, and not show. But it was still everything. It’s frankly the best advertising tool we have seen. It got their collection, The Conspiracy Collection, to extremely high numbers and even broke the internet.
If you look underneath your chair, you will be leaving with a picture of Shane and Jeffree’s collection. If Oprah wasn’t able to get you the hottest makeup collection, what makes you think I’ll be able to? You’re going to have to wait until May 2020 when it restocks like everyone else. But I will give you Jeffree Star discography because frankly, it’s underrated.
Yes, Ariana Grande continues to be a constant on my list each year. Last year, she was our woke Twitter queen, and she continues to be that this year. She gave us a new album, “Thank u, Next,” as well as a live album, “K Bye for Now (SWT Live).” She was the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, and I’m still patiently waiting for her to tour with *NSYNC. In case you forgot, She headlined Coachella and performed with *NSYNC. She was that bitch this year. Sure, there was no Justin Timberlake, but she can replace him on tour. She’s the only person that would replace JT, and no one would care…that much.
Like last year, you all will be walking away with Ariana Grande wigs, oversized sweatshirts, signed lithos, lollipops, and her complete discography. And if you look under your chair, there’s a Mr. Purple and a Cat Valentine wig for you. And again, no, Mr. Puple isn’t a sex toy.
Oh, Disney+. It’s been the greatest and the worst thing that has happened to the world in 2019. Sure, it’s everything to go on nostalgia trips with shows and movies that you haven’t seen in years. But now everyone and their mother has or is going to have a streaming service. Do you know how much money is going to be? Don’t get me wrong, I cannot wait to be able to stream and relive my childhood. But at what cost? There’s no gift for you with this thing. It’s just something to think about.
Oh, Disney+ gave us Baby Yoda. Baby Yoda is a mood and will forever be the greatest Disney Princess and Star Wars character ever created. Baby Yoda for President. Baby Yoda for life.
2019 was the return of the Jonas Brothers. They lost the purity rings, got married, and lost their Disney label and sound for a more mature sound and label. Nick, Kevin, and Joe Jonas released a new album, “Happiness Begins,” and started a new tour. They gave us so many good bops this year that it ain’t even funny. “Sucker,” “Cool,” “Rollercoaster,” the list goes on and on. It was also fun to hear the Jonas Brothers sing Nick/Joe’s other work. Kevin’s other work was displayed on the tour bus. It’s finger painting and lullabies. But don’t worry, Nick Jonas is still everyone’s favorite Jonas. Even with his dadbod. His dadbod is mood.
Everyone will get free memberships to the failure that is Jonas Vinyl Club. There’s also the Nick Jonas Bacon and Cigar Club, Joe Jonas Cake, Sex, and Weed Club, and the Kevin Jonas Nursing Rhyme and parenting Club. There’s a lot of Jonas side clubs that were all so much better and reasonably priced compared to the Jonas Vinyl Club. We need to get them more publicity.
Unlike in past years, I’ve included the Queen because it’s her. Last year, she got thrown a parade and didn’t even say a word. This year, while it was a hard year for our savior, she owned Instagram and made it hers. For that, She is on the list for the second year in a row. Everyone will walk away with her complete discography, including Britney Jean. As well as, you will also have all of her perfumes because who needs new music when you can have an endless supply of perfume.
And this years’ “Fuck you” go to…
- the people that still believe they live in the 1930s
- the people that believe that LGBTQ people aren’t people and don’t deserve rights
- all the ignorant people who still judge people by sexuality, race, religion, etc.
- people that don’t want to help people from other countries
- everyone that feels right about using children to justify their casual homophobia, racism, and/or being horrible people
- anyone that feels good about making others feel horrible about themselves to feel better. I hope it was worth making someone feel like absolute shit.
- everyone you think you are better than others. We are all the same.
- the parents that secretly or openly disapprove or hate the fact that their child/children are LGBTQ. Who cares who they fall in love with or identify as? Just as long as they are happy should be all that matters. And fuck you if you have kicked them out because of it. You are a horrible parent and person
- everyone who doesn’t want to talk about how to stop people from fucking shooting other people every day. I’m frankly tired of hearing about it. We didn’t fix it in 2019 so let’s shoot for 2020, K?
This will do it for this year’s Favorite Things. I’ll be sending the police to Oprah’s compound just to make sure she’s okay. She’s probably already thinking how she’s going to top my list next year. Oprah is brainstorming my demise with Gayle by the fireplace. Bring it on, O.
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