Get ready to eat your motherfucking heart out again, Oprah
It’s that time of year! It’s time for the yearly tradition of making Oprah hide away in fear and jealousy. It’s also the event that you secretly live for. It’s okay, you don’t need to say anything more. I got you, boo! Welcome to “The Pop Project: with Steven Kaufman” FFFFFAAAAVVVOOORRRIITTTEEE TTTTHHHHIIINNNGGGGSS! Like every year, please read that in your best Oprah voice. It will make my year. 2018 was a suck year, but these things didn’t.
So without further ado, let’s dive into what exactly our favorite things are. Like last year, I’m a broke ass bitch so I unable to give these out for free. A master link will be provided if you would like to get some of these things…minus for people. I can’t sell people. That’s illegal.
Besides the fact that Billboard named her Woman of the Year for 2018, she has been the gift that keeps on giving. While I’ll forgive her for the lapse in judgment that she had when she decided to let Pharrell touch “Sweetener,” she has been killing it this year. Between “No Tears Left to Cry,” “God is A Woman,” “Breathin’,” and “Thank U, Next,” her music has been everything and everywhere. Have you seen the video for “Thank U, Next?” It’s literally iconic. Plus, she’s still the iconic queen on Twitter next to Chrissy Teigen. Ariana Grande is just the gift that keeps on giving. She’s woke and I’m here for it. She has had a very rough year and yet she still’s able to be positive and just be a queen.
Besides her discography, you all will be walking away with Ariana Grande wigs, oversized sweatshirts, signed lithos, lollipops, and Pete Davidson. He needs a good home. And if you look under your chair, there’s a Mr. Purple for you. And no, it’s not a sex toy. Oprah didn’t give those out so why would I?
2018 was one of the gayest
I’m here for how gay 2018 was. While it was a bad year, there was so much positive LGBTQ happens in the media that it made me smile. We had more and more people standing up to protect rights, more prominent roles in film and TV, as well stereotypes are going more and more away. While I wish more people would just let people love who they want, there’s just so much support shown in the world that it just couldn’t help but make you smile. Am I wanting to think positively about this? fuck yeah! But it’s also true. If we keep supporting and accepting each other as we have been, then we can change the world. Who doesn’t love changing the world?
Everyone in the studio audience will be walking away with a bottle of love and glitter. I don’t know what else to give besides just love and glitter. I’ll give you a rainbow heart cookie.
Big Dick Energy…or BDE
This was brought to us by the one and only Ariana Grande. If you have been living under a rock, Big Dick Energy, or BDE, is something that was born and raised to iconic status in 2018. According to the only dictionary that matters, Urban Dictionary is “that confidence you got knowing you got an enormous penis, but BDE isn’t exclusive to the well-endowed.”
In 2018, this is what people are finding attractive now. I’m all for this because frankly, we need more of this confidence in the world. Now, I’m not saying this because there’s a fine line where confidence isn’t being cocky….pun intended. You want to be confident without being cocky. Cocky isn’t attractive what so ever unless you have a complex and are into bad boys/girls. And let’s be real for a moment: Who isn’t into them? While you might not want to date them, you have a soft spot for them that you would like to fix by them?
You’ll be walking out with a book “So you want that Big Dick Energy?” and the first batch of my “BDE” fragrance. It’s so you can smell like you have a big dick even if you don’t. Everyone deserves to smell like they are packing heat.
Like stated above, 2018 was extremely gay. Leading 2018 into the light was drag queens. If you don’t love or never experienced a drag show, then you need to get with it. Those are usually the highlight of anyone’s night. Drag shows are all about being who you are and having fun. Drag Queens are just the ambassadors of fun and rainbows. It’s been a good year for drag queens. We really need to have drag queens run the country. Think about how much fun and exciting everything will be?
Everyone will be going home with their own drag queen as we have dolls that you can turn into a
Honestly, this was the year for Daddy Puth. I call him Daddy Puth because he’s pretty much a musical daddy. Anyways, after teasing us with “Attention” for the last year and a half, he gave us his album “Voicenotes” and boy, he delivered with that album. He also decided to take his shirt off during this concerts now. I’m not sure if you have seen him lately, but he definitely earned his title of daddy Puth. The boy has been hitting the gym and hitting it hard. Most people don’t realize that he’s actually ripped. I think that it’s because he wears comfortable clothes. He’s wearing the abs version of a Wonderbra.
Everyone will be going away with a signed shirtless photograph of him, as well as all his albums. If you look under your seat, there’s nothing because I couldn’t find anything to stick there. Oh, and you will all get a private concert from Daddy Puth.
Shawn Mendes has really had a helluva year. He released his album “Shawn Mendes” and has been much been everywhere this year. He was on my list back in 2016 and he has returned back. Dude has been slaying it and I’m all for it. Between him talking about anxiety to him calling out Rolling stones. He’s just been a boss this year and I love it. He has also gotten out of his shell a lot. While he still seems comes across too serious, he seems more fun. I’ve always said that Charlie was the fun goofy one and Shawn was the one who will tell you honestly about your life as he drives your drunken ass home. He’s responsible.
Everyone will be leaving with a signed copy of his latest album. You will also get a VR experience where you are the hands in his video for his song “Nervous.” Still the dirtiest and hottest video he has done. More people have never wanted to be a set of hands more than in that video. I’m feeling generous so I’ll give you a sign copies of his shirtless spread since everyone loved it back in 2016. It’s what Oprah would do.
When you can get a parade thrown for you just to walk out and not say a word, it’s a fabulous year. Get it, Britney. Everyone gets a parade and a bottle of her unisex scent.
Amount of fucks given
I’m not sure if you were aware but there were so many fucks given that even Oprah would have included it in her list. The world was so woke that everyone in their mothers was out protesting for what they believe in. We, as a country, need to be more active with our voices when we don’t agree with something that our government is doing or not doing. We have that freedom and it’s damn time that we use it.
So instead of making jokes about some sort of gifts that I was going to give out. I’m going to give out fuck you. I made a list and I checked it twice. I’m going to just tell you a big “fuck you” if deserve one. If you make this list you probably do.
And the fuck you go to…
- Fuck you to the people that still believe they live in the 1930s
- Fuck you to all the people that believe that transgender people aren’t people and don’t deserve rights
- Fuck you to all the ignorant people who still judge people by sexuality, race, religion, etc.
- Fuck you, Shay Van Buren
- Fuck you, Rachel Tice
- Fuck you people that don’t want to help people from other countries
- Fuck you bigots
- Fuck you to everyone that feel right about using children to justify their casual homophobia, racism, and/or being horrible people
- Fuck you to anyone that feels good about making others feel horrible about themselves to feel better. I hope it was worth making someone feel like absolute shit.
- Fuck you to everyone you thinks you are better than others. We are all the same.
- Fuck you to the parents that secretly or openly disapprove or hate the fact that their child/children are LGBTQ. Who cares who they fall in love with or identify as? Just as long as they are happy should be all that matters. And fuck you if you have kicked them out because of it. You are a horrible parent and person
- Last but not least, fuck you to everyone who doesn’t want to talk about how to stop people from fucking shooting other people every day. I’m frankly tired of hearing about it so let’s fix that in 2019. K?
That will do it for this year’s edition of favorite things. Hopefully, you have enjoyed all the gifts that I have given this year. I have always enjoyed being Oprah once a year. Let’s see Oprah top my favorite things. She’s quaking in her compound.
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